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Friday, December 15, 2017


I don't even know how to start this post. If it had been 8 months since you last spoke to a friend, you wouldn't walk up to them casually and just say, "Hey." You'd likely be a little bit more excited (and honestly, probably kind of miffed. "Ever hear of a thing call a text message!?")

So that's why it feels weird to just dive right into this post when you haven't heard from me in 227 days.

I don't know why I just completely stopped writing. I like my life for the most part, but I got tired of talking about it.

We all go through periods of change. Even if there aren't any specific external factors influencing that change, we still feel occasional shifts in our hearts and minds. For me, I just really sick of living with constant anxiety. For the longest time, I didn't even recognize it as anxiety because my panic attacks are actually so few and far between. But a lot of conversations with my therapist led me to the realization that anxiety isn't just an accelerated heart rate, sweaty palms, and feeling like someone's gripping my throat. My anxiety is feeling sick to my stomach more days than not, it's irritability, it's rapidly changing moods, it's being short with anyone who interrupts my brain while it's trying to worry, it's obsessive thinking patterns, it's my inability to be in the present moment.

I never recognized all of those things as anxiety. I've been living like that for so long, I thought it was just part of being Courtney.

But it doesn't have to be me. And I'm working through a lot of things in an effort to help change it.

It's been a really interesting process/journey/whatever you want to call it to understand myself better and why I think, act, and respond the way that I do. It's helped me to have more patience and love for myself, rather than constantly berating myself for not "being normal".

I know "being normal" is totally subjective and we're all a little nuts, but most people don't just start randomly crying in a meeting because they're worried about their dog dying when he's perfectly fine and healthy at home.

Gosh, do you ever share something personal about yourself and then immediately regret it? That's me writing this post. I'm not ashamed that I'm struggling, but I'm also not not kind of embarrassed, ya know? Mostly because I'm in my 30s and have barely started trying to sort through the hurt and mess.

Since you have been on this blogging train with me for so long, I can give some updates on the topics I usually talk about:

Clayton and Joey are doing well. Clayton and I celebrated 9 years of marriage (!!!) earlier this month. Joey turned 13 in November and yes, I had a nervous breakdown leading up to his birthday, but was able to temporarily put my anxiety aside so I could be in a good enough headspace to love on him the entire day.

I'm still running. I finished my 13th half marathon in November during the Monumental Marathon. I finished under 2 hours and 10 minutes which sadly, is now a good time for me. Running is still a struggle, but I've gotten used to the "hit or miss" mystery of each work out. I've changed my workout days to Monday-Friday, giving myself the entire weekend to rest. I didn't realize how much I dreaded Saturday mornings until I stopped forcing myself to run. Of course the body conscious girl in me initially fretted about taking two rest days in a row, but I actually kind of love it now. I plan to keep this up until my next training cycle begins.

To supplement my running and build overall strength, I'm going through the Bikini Body Guide program. I'm on week 6 out of 12 and despite its name, it's actually really hard. But I'm happy to report that I can do endless squats and burpees without breaking a sweat, so I guess it's working?

We don't have any immediately vacations on the horizon, but we are in talks of D.C. or going back to NYC this fall.

I hope all of you are doing well and are enjoying the holiday season!

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1 comments

  1. Hey lady!

    So good to see you blogging again! I've been wondering how you've been feeling getting back into running. It's been a LONG time since I've blogged, too. I'm hoping to change that and get back to sharing my creative self again in the very near future.

    ReplyDelete

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