So that's why it feels weird to just dive right into this post when you haven't heard from me in 227 days.
I don't know why I just completely stopped writing. I like my life for the most part, but I got tired of talking about it.
We all go through periods of change. Even if there aren't any specific external factors influencing that change, we still feel occasional shifts in our hearts and minds. For me, I got really sick of living with constant anxiety. For the longest time, I didn't even recognize it as anxiety because my panic attacks are actually so few and far between. But a lot of conversations with my therapist led me to the realization that anxiety isn't just an accelerated heart rate, sweaty palms, and feeling like someone's stepping on my throat. My anxiety is feeling sick to my stomach more days than not, it's irritability, it's rapidly changing moods, it's being short with anyone who interrupts my brain while it's trying to worry, it's obsessive thinking patterns, it's my inability to be in the present moment.
I never recognized all of those things as anxiety. I've been living like that for so long, I thought it was just part of being Courtney.
But it doesn't have to be me. And I'm working through a lot of things in an effort to help change it.
It's been a really interesting process/journey/whatever you want to call it to understand myself better and why I think, act, and respond the way that I do. It's helped me to have more patience and love for myself, rather than constantly berating myself for not "being normal".
I know "being normal" is totally subjective and we're all a little nuts, but most people don't just start randomly crying in a meeting because they're worried about their dog dying when he's perfectly fine and healthy at home.
Gosh, do you ever share something personal about yourself and then immediately regret it? That's me writing this post. I'm not ashamed that I'm struggling, but I'm also not not kind of embarrassed, ya know? Mostly because I'm in my 30s and have barely started trying to sort through the hurt and mess.
Since you have been on this blogging train with me for so long, I can give some updates on the topics I usually talk about:
Clayton and Joey are doing well. Clayton and I celebrated 9 years of marriage (!!!) earlier this month. Joey turned 13 in November and yes, I had a nervous breakdown leading up to his birthday, but was able to temporarily put my anxiety aside so I could be in a good enough headspace to love on him the entire day.
To supplement my running and build overall strength, I'm going through the Bikini Body Guide program. I'm on week 6 out of 12 and despite its name, it's actually really hard. But I'm happy to report that I can do endless squats and burpees without breaking a sweat, so I guess it's working?
We don't have any immediately vacations on the horizon, but we are in talks of D.C., Seattle, or going back to NYC this fall.
I hope all of you are doing well and are enjoying the holiday season!