I feel like this blog is slipping through my fingers.
Most days I find myself just staring at the blinking cursor on a blank post until I grow so frustrated, I have to close out the window.
It's not for a lack of want--that's not it at all--it's because there has been a major inspiration shortage going on around here.
I feel like I've been stuck in a cycle of topics that I just replay over and over again, like a revolving door of monotony. Oh, you ran today, Courtney? How positively refreshing. And what's that, you ate some food, too? RIVETING. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.
Is it because I just don't have that much going on my life right now? Am I stuck in a rut of both thought and experience?
I've spent a lot of time re-reading older posts, some from just within the last year, and feel twinges of nostalgia for that writer. Clayton used to tell me that my blog was a readable version of Seinfeld: a blog about nothing that people seem to enjoy anyway. Today I read some posts from my Blog Every Day in May challenge and couldn't help but think to myself, "You can be just downright delightful, madame." What happened to that?
I don't want to step back from this blog, but I also don't want to keep beating a dead horse (that is such a terrible idiom. Who thought of that? Why a horse? Why couldn't it be a less beloved animal, like a wombat?).
Nevermind. I just googled wombats and they're adorable. Horses are fine.
Maybe it's just seasonal. Maybe I don't have much to say because for the past few months I've seen little else aside from my office and my house. I do know that my seasonal depression has been swinging with full force this year and it would be really easy to blame it for my writer's block.
Did you know that I've written over 700 blog posts? 700. That's insane. And do you know how long it took me to work up the guts to start posting links to my posts on Facebook for others to see? It took like, two years.
And I'm tired of posting my blog on my Facebook page every day because I feel like it's the childless woman's equivalent to posting baby pictures. Plus, half the time my posts don't even warrant their own link because I'm writing about running or alcohol, but then again, if I didn't post a link, no one would ever read this and I'd be back to writing to no one.
In addition to the winter elements just bumming me out in general, I'm feeling anxious about my father-in-law's upcoming surgery, one of our friends is losing his battle with leukemia, and the other day I saw a picture of a dog that had his jaw shot off and it disturbed me so greatly, I fell asleep crying over the sad world we live in.
How any of that relates not not having much to say, I don't know.
I'm not giving up on this blog (are you kidding me?! I pay a hefty $7 a year to keep this baby in business!), but I think I need to stop trying so hard, let my emotions calm down and try to approach my daily life with the openness and eagerness that seems to escape me during this time of year.
Another confession? I started writing my book. and based on what I just wrote about on here today, you can imagine how well that's going.
Blog friends, do you ever feel this way?