The big day

Today is the day!

I should be all "can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of stuff" about closing today (I'll give you a 1,000 internet points if you get that reference), and while I am totally excited about the huge event taking place today, I had a really rough night last night.

I woke up at 3:18 a.m. this morning and started experiencing a full-blown panic attack. I have panic attacks maybe once or twice a year, so maybe I was overdue for one, but it was awful. The moment I opened my eyes (and woke up from my stress dream about getting things done in the house), my heart started racing, I started sweating, my stomach started churning, and I couldn't stop shaking.

Not wanting to wake up Clayton and make my problem his problem, I tip-toed downstairs to Google some of the breathing exercises I've used in the past and tried to distract my brain with a Sudoku puzzle. But no matter how much I tried to meditate (I even tried a few yoga poses) and no matter how fervently I prayed for God to calm my body down, the panic attack lasted over 3 hours.

When I was finally satisfied that I could go longer than 5 minutes without shaking and almost dry heaving, I went back upstairs and crawled into bed next to my sleeping husband who had no idea what was going on.

It's was 6:25 a.m..

My alarm goes off at 6:40 a.m..

In all of my excitement over the house, I failed to acknowledge a lot of the anxious feelings I've been having about the whole thing. I am by no means afraid of hard work, but I've been feeling super overwhelmed by how much painting and cleaning we have to do to make the place ours. Plus, during our final walk-through yesterday, we realized that no one has been by to mow the yard in almost 2 months and the grass in our back yard is at least 3 feet tall. The sellers did nothing to make their house presentable (I keep finding thumbtacks in the walls. WHY!?). It looks terrible, and my stress is in overdrive because our family is coming over tonight to toast to our new home and it looks like a hot mess ... and we don't have our mower yet.

So the roots of my panic attack are not a big secret.

But goodness, I feel like I was hit by a truck. I'm queasy, weak and shaky. I'm exhausted, like I just ran a marathon. And I've been close to tears all morning because this is not how I wanted today to go at all.

Maybe taking another look at the pictures that we took with the distortion filter on Wednesday night will help me feel better?

Yup, that totally helped. And wow, that is one ugly woman. 



  1. OMG, Courtney, I feel you. I went through the same thing. Our house was (and is, in some parts, still) a mess. We wanted a house with character, but I certainly wasn't prepared for how my OCD personality would deal with that. Almost a year later, I still walk around saying "Has that crack always been there? Was there a hole there yesterday?" The imperfections are what make it YOUR house though. Congratulations! P.S. We had Thanksgiving at our house a month after moving in. Talk about stressful.


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