Blog Every Day in May, Day 20: Something I'm struggling with

Monday, May 20, 2013

*blows noise-maker and throws confetti into the air*

HAPPY MONDAY!

^^Fake it til' you make it, right? Maybe if I start throwing Mondays a big ol' party, they'll seem less horrible.

I did a lot of this on Sunday.

How was your weekend? Mine was pretty nice! It was so nice that I completely disregarded the Blog Every Day in May weekend challenges. I know, I know. Shame on me. But really, I couldn't locate the photograph I wanted to use to illustrate my post for Saturday (which was "share a story from your childhood". I had a great little soliloquy lined up about the time I was dressed as a bumble bee for Insect Week in preschool and got diarrhea and had to go home. But neither my mom or I could locate the photo of me in said costume and everyone knows that unless you have photographic evidence, it didn't really happen. Why I chose a story such as that to share, I have no idea. Trust me, I have plenty of happy childhood memories that don't include defecating in an insect suit. I guess I just wanted to tell you the story because I made a really cute bee.)

Sunday's writing prompt was to gush about your five favorite blogs. *Yawn* No thank you. I love tons of blogs and narrowing it down to 5 feels tedious and like I'm majorly picking favorites ... and homie don't play that.

But today's writing prompt? Sure, why not. I can let you in on a little bit of the ugly going on inside this brain of mine.

Day 20, Monday: Get real.
Share something you're struggling with right now.

Oh, honey, I am about to get SO REAL.

I'm a planner by nature. I can't even go into the grocery store without a detailed list of everything I need to buy, grouped by meal and categorized by aisle. Tossing grocery items into my cart all willy-nilly makes me sweaty and gives me a horrible feeling of not being in control.

That being said, I've made a lot of plans for my life. I've never approached my future with a "We'll just see what happens!" attitude. No way. Eff that. Remember when I shared how terrified I am of having regrets? That fear plays a major role in my obsessive need to always have a plan. I want all of my bases covered, I don't want to leave any stones unturned.

My plan after college was to become a big shot creative director at a lucrative advertising agency, but after I learned that working in the advertising business sucks up all of your time and your soul, I had to recalculate. My nasty experience in advertising may have been devastating at the time, but it ultimately revealed that my true passion was writing and a new plan was born.

Clayton and I have talked extensively about our future and our plan was for him to finish school and land a decent-paying job that would allow me the luxury to be a freelance writer whilst pimping out my personal essays and short stories. Our ultimate goal was for Clayton to have a career he loves so that I could stay home to write and raise our children.

We also talked about starting a family around the time I turn 30.

For you math whizzes out there, 30 is only about 2 and a half years away. And guess what? Clayton isn't any closer to deciding what he wants to do with his career and I'm not any closer to making a living off of my writing (though every little bit from my freelancing projects has helped).

It's not for a lack of try on either of our ends. No sir! Clayton and I are hard workers; we don't believe in hand-outs. I'm not the kind of chick who sits by idly and expects opportunities to just drop in my lap.

The reality of the world we're living in is that it's not easy to do what you want to do. Just because you want something doesn't mean it's possible, no matter how hard you try to get it. The economy sucks. Jobs, especially the kind that coincide with what Clayton wants to do and pay well, are very few and far between. We don't have the luxury to go without money for the sake of pursuing a dream. A few recent occurrences has all but flipped Clayton's career aspirations upside down and we both feel like we're back at square one.

And that's what I've been struggling with. It seems like my carefully thought-out plans may not be so. When I worked exclusively from home a few years back, I had never been happier. The home had never been cleaner. I'd never felt more organized or relaxed. I never felt more fulfilled. And I want that again.

And honestly, it makes me both angry and sad. I'm sad because I might not get the life I really wanted for myself and I'm angry for the same reasons because goodness know, we are TRYING. My dream was to write and be a stay-at-home wife until the time came to pop out a few little ones. Then I would be fortunate enough to be with them during the day until they were old enough to go to school.
As Clayton said while we were out walking the dog after dinner last night, "You never know what can happen in 2 years." And he's absolutely right. We have no idea what is in store for us or what God has in mind. We only know that it's going to happen exactly as it's supposed to happen. And for the girl who likes have a plan at all times, that is torture.

Perhaps the new plan should be getting comfortable with not having a plan?

What are you struggling with right now?

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4 comments

  1. Your post reminded me of this..."We make plans and God laughs".

    Ahh time in the sunshine! I did a lot of that this weekend and it was awesome.

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    1. Yup, I was definitely thinking about that quote as well. I know that God's plans are not always my plans and that's where the whole having faith issue comes to play! :)

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  2. UHH. It's so true. This post is exactly my life right now. I'm constantly trying to plan and it just never works out. Just have to remind myself (and you remind yourself) that God has great things in store for us and handing him the reigns is the best thing for us.

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  3. YES! God's plans are not necessarily always the plans we have for ourselves. And His timing is not always the same either (story of my life - enter baby here!) Haha. But just remember even if they are not what we thought, they are ALWAYS the best!

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