BEDIM, Day 13: My public apology

Monday, May 13, 2013

Day 13, Monday: Issue a public apology.
This can be as funny or as serious or
as creative as you want it to be.

Dear Internet (and world),

I would like to both formally and publicly apologize for women's summer fashion. Being that I am not a designer and am in no way affiliated with the fashion industry, I know that I am not responsible for the monstrosities you see walking down the street on a daily basis. However, being that I am a woman and am a current and active participant in our economy, I feel like I must apologize on behalf of the members of my sex who like to dress like homeless hookers and perpetuate the stereotype that women will wear just about anything that saunters down a runway.

I am sorry for your eyes and for any of the other senses that today's fashion continuously assaults. If today's fashion had a taste, it would taste like pickled pigs feet. If today's fashion had a sound, it would be the sound of true style icons like Audrey Hepburn and Jackie Onassis rolling in their graves. If you touched today's fashion, it would feel like itchy, un-breathable chiffon. If today's fashion had a scent, it would be body odor from the unforgiving ventilation of that very same chiffon. 

I would like to apologize for the following fashion offenses that are currently plaguing our culture ... 

High-waisted jean shorts Show me the woman who looks good in a pair of high-waisted, "mom" jeans and I'll call you a liar. While I appreciate that we're finally deviating from the low-rider, everyone-take-a-nice-hard-look-at-my-butt-crack-and-pubes trend, high-waisted jeans are the quickest way to an elongated pancake butt and a frontal orb.

Fringe Please, no. You look like the cloth brushes at a drive-thru car wash.


Bustier bathing suits Yes, because our regular ol' bikinis didn't already remind men of sex. And those tan lines? Honey, no.

Neon Lace For the debutante that wants to stand out at a rave? I don't get it. And why is everything SHEER right now? Seriously! I know I don't really need a bra, but I also don't need to prove to the world that I'm actually wearing one.

Printed Pants It took several fashion seasons and a myriad of obnoxious Old Navy commercials to get America to accept colored jeans and at best, 1 in every 10 women will ever wear them. Why must we continue to beat a dead horse in an effort to make everyone tolerate printed pants, too? There is only one specific physique that can pull of a pair skinny jeans adorned with flowers or skulls, and 99.99% of us do not have it.

I could write a thesis on the travesty that is black tights, but we already gleaned my reasons for opposition in an earlier post about things that make me uncomfortable.

World, I am humbly asking for your forgiveness. Please don't let the mistake of a few tarnish your respect for the majority. Not all of us aspire to dress like Ke$sha or want took like we just back from a week at Burning Man with a tribe of patchouli-loving hippies.

And to those of you who do participate in these trends, I do not wish to offend anyone with my diatribe. It's just a matter of opinion and in my opinion, some styles need not ever leave the closet.

Yours truly,

Courtney

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7 comments

  1. I just discovered your blog and we are kind of the same person... right down to the name! This post is great; I actually laughed out loud when I got to the bustier bathing suits :P

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  2. Ha! This list is great! I'd add peplum tops to it as well :D

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  3. Even though I am a floral printed skinny jeans wearer.. I love this!

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