My Strange Addiction: Licks cats (I'm not making this up)

Thursday, February 14, 2013


Disclaimer: The following post contains disgusting subject matter and is not recommend for those who have a sensitive stomach or for those who have any shred of respect left for the human race. However, I’m just doing my journalistic duty by reporting what goes on around me. No regrets. 

Sometimes I’m really hard-pressed for topics to write about on this blog. Not all of my writing endeavors turn out to be treasured jewels like my posts on Why I Hate Wind or Why I Quit Taking Beyaz because as much as it pains me to admit, writer’s block isn’t a myth. It does happen. Today I had every intention of posting a round of Courtney Confessions or boring you with yet another recipe, but lo and behold! You have been spared.

Last night, while flipping through the TV guide in a Nyquil Cold and Flu-induced haze, the heavens parted and God looked down on me with favor when I noticed there was a brand new episode of TLC’s My Strange Addiction airing in the next five minutes.

Last night’s topic?

Braces yourselves.

“My Strange Addiction: Addicted to coffee enemas; Licks cats”

You had me at coffee enemas …

… but I stayed for the cats. 

This blog post wrote itself.

(FYI: This is a "live post". I wrote it as it happened.)

Addicted to coffee enemas: Mike and Trina



Mike and Trina are addicted to giving themselves coffee enemas. A coffee enema, for those of you who are wondering, consists of filling a bucket with brewed coffee and letting said coffee filter through a tube and dump into your rectum. After getting your fill (literally), you sit on the toilet and subscribe to the rule of physics that “what goes up must come down”.

Trina used to have severe stomach and kidney issues. After extensive internet research of her symptoms, Trina learned that coffee enemas are a great way to flush out your system and “rebuild your body from the inside out”.

Because you can obviously believe everything you read on the internet. 

Please note: There is no medical study backing up the claim that coffee enemas can improve your health.

Trina now swears by coffee enemas and even got her husband on board for regular flushes. They perform 3-4 enemas a day (each) and do not stray far from their house for fear of not having access to their precious butt brew.

The couple insists that coffee enemas have been a great way to express their individual personalities. For example, Mike likes to inject himself with a "finer espresso grind".

"I like it thicker, because I think it's not as messy and drippy," Trina added.

I guess it’s true what they say, “The couple that forcefully shoots coffee into their rectums together, stays together.”

Addicted to licking cats: Lisa



As I’ve watched My Strange Addiction over the years, I’ve been privy to people who dry-hump their cars and drink their own urine, but watching Lisa eat cat hair is honest-to-goodness the first time I’ve had to look away from my TV. I was almost insulted that she said cat hair reminds her of cotton candy.

I’ll be damned if Lisa from Detroit, Michigan is going to ruin cotton candy for me.

Lisa grooms her cat with her tongue just like a “Mama Cat”, as she puts it. 

This question has absolutely nothing at all to do with the above information, but what do you think Lisa's has listed on her Facebook relationship status?

Lisa licks and grooms her cat as a bonding exercise. You know how I bond with Joey? I pet him. I take him for a walk. I don’t touch him with random, weird parts of my body.

Lisa says her favorite way to eat cat hair is to put it in her mouth (barf), play with it on her tongue (puke), pull the wad of hair out (vomit), roll it around in her fingers (gag), and then put it BACK in her mouth to finish eating it (dry heave).

You know who else chews their food for a while, spits it back up and then chews it again? Cows.

Um, hey Lisa, I know you’re busy chowing down on feline follicles, but listen to me for a second: Did it ever occur to you that cats cough up hair balls because their systems can’t digest hair? They don’t cough up hair balls for sport. It’s a biological need. I’m not a medical doctor or a veterinarian, but I suspect your delicate innards can’t process hair either. 

Oh good. I’m glad to hear that Lisa doesn’t lick her cat’s butt because licking your cat’s butt would be weird.

Addicted to Coffee Enemas: Mike and Trina

Mike and Trina are arguing over who gets the first coffee enema of the day. Mike’s exact words when he beats Trina to the punch?

“You snooze you lose!”

^^That’s funny because coffee has caffeine in it and caffeine helps you wake up ...

... and she puts coffee in her butt.

Addicted to licking cats: Lisa

Lisa finally comes clean to a friend about her addiction (just in time for it to be documented on TV, too!). Her sister was previously the only one who knew about her love of bathing her cat with her tongue.

Kudos to the friend for keeping such a calm, vacant expression on his face as he takes in Lisa’s news. He asks all the appropriate questions like, “Do you chew it and spit it back out?” and “Have you coughed up hair balls?” and he does so without a single ounce of judgment or contempt. 

Those are sound, valid inquiries, but I think her friend is just skirting around the bigger questions like, “Does your cat use a good conditioner?” or “WHAT WENT SO HORRIBLY WRONG IN YOUR LIFE?”

Addicted to Coffee Enemas: Mike and Trina

I have two words for you guys: Turbo Explosion

That’s all I’m going to say about this segment. 

Addicted to licking cats: Lisa

Lisa continues to talk to her sister about her love of tongue-bathing her cat. Her sister continues to be grossed out.

As is the rest of the country.

Addicted to Coffee Enemas: Mike and Trina

At the urging of their loved ones, Mike and Trina visit a doctor to see if their coffee enemas are considered safe. (Note: They are visiting a doctor to see if coffee enemas are SAFE, not SANE.)

Surprisingly, Mike and Trina appear generally healthy. (And I suspect both smell like a lush Colombian arabica bean field.)

Now the doctor is trying to explain why coffee enemas COULD be bad for them in the long run, but it’s obvious that what he really wants to say is, “Yes, there are definitely risks involved with coffee enemas, most being social.” Again, TURBO EXPLOSION.

Addicted to licking cats: Lisa

Lisa follows suit and visits a doctor to appease her sister. During the appointment, she assures her doctor (and the world) that she is able to move her bowels without any problems (that’s the second time I’ve used the phrase “move her bowels” this week. How has this blog not won any awards?). Lisa insists that her health has remained good for the entire duration of her addiction.

Lisa’s doctor then shows her a picture of a giant wad of ingested hair (which is known in the medical community as a "bezoar" or as I like to think of it, "an instant conversation starter"), and Lisa is shocked beyond belief. However, she makes no promises of stopping her strange addiction … Because come on, a bezoar is gross, but it’s not THAT gross, right?

And I don’t know about you, but everything about their bezoar conversation reminded me of My Big Fat Greek Wedding: “Inside ze lump he found teeth and a spinal cord. Yes. Inside ze lump vas my twin.”

Lisa admits that any advice she receives from her doctor is being taken with a grain of salt because YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! YOLO!

Her words, not mine.

I mean, come on, why would we want to steal Lisa’s joy? If grooming her pet with her tongue gives Lisa’s life purpose, who are we to judge? I love baking and cooking and spending time with my husband. SAME THING. I wouldn’t want someone telling me that things I love the most are weird. Baking the occasional batch of cookies isn’t all that different from eating the hair off your cat. 

Ugh, my throat feels scratchy after watching that episode. I feel like there’s a hair caught back there. AM I DEVELOPING A BEZOAR?!!

Oh my gosh, the next episode of My Strange Addiction documents a young man’s “addiction to inflatables”. He’s currently in a relationship with 15 inflatable pool toys (... just in time for Valentine's Day!).

15 is a very specific number. I imagine there is a lot of jealousy. 

AMURICA!

TURBO EXPLOSION.

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9 comments

  1. Don't worry; I watched this too. And Lisa would like to remind you that there are so many unhealthy things you can do in life, and so many ways to die. So why not die LICKING YOUR CAT?

    P.S. They guy addicted to his inflatable pool animals assures us that, though his relationship with some of the inflatables is romantic, it is strictly non-sexual. They only hug and kiss.

    P.P.S. I'm so glad this show is back. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right!? Nothing makes me want to hang an American flag on my front porch or stick giant bald eagle decal on my car more than this television show.

      I briefly watched the inflatables episode (but really, I couldn't get over the butt injections thing) and I actually felt BAD for the kid. He's clearly missing some kind of love and affection in his life and I kind of see his addiction more as a security blanket. But all emotional issues aside, what possessed him to take a look at a pool toy and be like, "I wanna put my lips on that"?

      Delete
  2. Personally, I'm just happy to know there's a black market for butt injections.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True. It will make Christmas shopping this year a heck of a lot easier.

      Delete
  3. This may be one of my favorite blog posts ever. I kept finding myself in shock about one thing, like putting coffee in your butthole, and then it would get worse. I'm glad the kitty licker has such a postive outlook on life though... When she says YOLO I def. lost all control of laughter. Haters gonna hate, Lisa!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha, I'm glad you enjoyed!

      And ya know, I totally appreciate Lisa's positive outlook on life, too. She's not going to let medical professional keep her down or keep her away from her heart's true desire.

      We could all learn a lesson from Lisa.

      NEVER GIVE UP ON LICKING YOUR CAT!

      Delete
  4. I've not seen this show, but your recap is hilarious! I may have to check out an episode sometime soon. But, I think you need to add a warning to this post. "May cause loss of appetite, do not read while eating lunch!" I can handle most things, but the thought of cat hair is making my stomach churn! I didn't really want that salad anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Rarely am I without words........

    Ummm............

    Yep - got nothin..........

    Wow!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I couldn't even read what you wrote about the cat-licker. I'm gagging just thinking about it.

    ReplyDelete

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