The diaries of Leatherface

Wednesday, November 28, 2012


I’m about two seconds away from coating my pinky fingers in Vaseline and forcefully inserting said fingers into my nostrils, my nose is that dry.

So dry, in fact, that on my way to work this morning I scratched the inside of my nose (okay, let’s just call a spade a spade—I picked my nose. It happens. I felt like I had a rock up there, and I had to dig it out before I went out into public), and it started bleeding. 

My face is also still so outrageously chapped that if you get close enough to my skin, you’ll notice that it has the same texture as a Braille dictionary. I'm bathing in moisturizer every half hour. If anything, my skin has gotten progressively worse than it was over the weekend and I’m completely convinced that running in the dry, windy weather is the appropriate scapegoat. My skin no longer has the appearance of hives (which would indicate an allergic reaction). Rather, it just looks painfully scaly and flaky.

So my skin woes are either from the dreadful wind or I’m slowly morphing into a fish.

And what’s worse, no one in my office has said a word to me about it, and that has left me feeling incredibly insecure that I’ve been delusional all these years and my skin has always looked this bad.  Seriously, my face looks like a topographical map and everyone thinks this is normal? Leatherface and I could be cousins and no one’s asked me if I’m feeling okay?

Last night I was scheduled to run an easy three miles and as much as my skin probably needs a break from the winter air, I refused to work out on the treadmill. I love my treadmill like, a lot, but it gets really boring sometimes and if it’s possible for me to run outside, I’m going to choose nature 100% of the time. 

To protect my skin, I put on one of my Monumental Half Marathon sock hats and Clay helped me wrapped one of my old scarfs around the rest of my exposed face. I was warm and cozy, but I kind of looked like a member of Al Qaeda and began to wonder if any of my neighbors work for the CIA. 

The scarf served its purpose well, though it unfortunately did very little to mask the smell of the townhouse whose residents clearly live on a steady diet of onion soup and dead cats. I still had to hold my breath as I ran by.

I’ve read that fish oil is good for the skin and while I haven’t taken any sort of supplement, I certainly stuffed my food hole with tons of sushi after my run. Clayton and I met Colby and Ireli at our favorite Chinese buffet, Mr. Hibachi, for some fellowship and extra sodium. I usually just pull my chair up to the sushi table and camp out by the California rolls all night, but I made sure to pile my plate with fried rice and lo mein, too. 


Baby Nicholas was in our company and at one point in the evening he was literally stolen by a few of the waitresses. But I guess that’s the small price you have to pay for being a gorgeous red-headed child. 

Rightfully so, I came back home with a tummy ache from too many peanuts rolled in powdered sugar (Seriously, the BEST buffet dessert ever. You wouldn’t think peanuts could be that exciting, buy MY GOSH, they are!) and sprawled across our couch like a beached porpoise. In between burps and contented sighs, Clayton and I watched our number 1-ranked Hoosiers wipe Assembly Hall’s floors with South Carolina. These Indiana boys are everything they were hyped up to be AND SO MUCH MORE. 


I figured I would accelerate my skin’s healing process by slathering my face in aloe and plugging in our trusty ol’ humidifier before I went to bed. However, as a quiet cloud of vapor began to gently flow from the machine, I stared up at the ceiling in paralyzing realization that the air in our room was slowly becoming …

moist.

*shudder*

Great, the air in my house in now filled with my most hated word in the entire English language. 

Thank goodness they don't make humidifiers that spray panties or ointment into the air.

I just made myself sick typing those words.

You Might Also Like

2 comments

  1. Have you tried the oil cleansing method?

    http://www.theoilcleansingmethod.com/

    I just did it for a couple days and my skin was glowing, not breaking out, and bye bye dry-ness!

    Running in the winter is horrible on my face, I can't stand all the dry skin!

    ReplyDelete
  2. #1: I would try Mary Kay's intense moisture serum. I suffer from dry skin and winter leaves me looking like Flounder's long lost twin. I used it and it cleared me up in 24 hours. Phenomenal.

    #2: I only have a couple of friends who like sushi and they all have moved to different states. This bothers me because the mere sight of sushi sends my husband into spells of dry heaving. Apparently the thought of eating raw fish carcass does not appeal to him the way it appeals to us. So, if anyone gives you flack about eating too much sushi, just tell them you're eating my portion, too.

    #3: Onion soup and dead cats, eh? I don't even have a witty comment for that. That sounds awful.

    ReplyDelete

Navigation-Menus (Do Not Edit Here!)