honesty wrapped in fiber

Thursday, September 27, 2012

As I shared in this blog last week, (At least I think it was last week. It might have been two weeks ago. Or a month ago? I don't know. I have no concept of time. Case in point: A few days ago I was convinced I was 25, not 26. When I realized my mistake, you can only imagine how well I handled suddenly losing a year of my life.)

Anyway, where was I?

As I shared in this blog last week only-God-knows-when, a professional I was regularly seeing about some personal issues told me that I do not eat enough. (I suppose you could call that person a therapist. I preferred to call her a girlfriend I paid out the nose to talk to about myself once a week in hopes she could make me a little less obnoxious. I've considered going balls in and sharing those experiences with you here on the blog, but after re-reading some of my older posts filled with no holds barred anecdotes about my bathroom tendencies and underwear practices, I've realized that it might actually be healthy to keep a few things to myself every once in a while. Just like that stupid quote from Titanic that every 13 year-old girl on the planet wanted tattooed on her lower back in 1997: "A woman's heart is an ocean full of secrets." While I understand that quote had more to do with keeping lost lovers close to your heart, it's surprisingly applicable to other life situations, too.)

Gosh, I'm flying around in circles. Land the plane and make your point, Courtney.

Sorry, going to the honesty place makes me nervous, and when I get nervous I tend to babble ... and sweat, obviously. (Did I ever tell you that I now carry a stick of deodorant around with me at all times? Clayton, remember that beautiful, captivating girl you fell in love with all those years ago? Yeah, me neither.)

Essentially, I don't consume enough calories to support my body's high-level of activity. (So to any of you out there who look to this blog for athletic inspiration, you need to know that I tend to take my training to extremes, and over-excercising and under-eating is not an ideal you want to emulate.) Long story short, I am taking steps to remedy that problem by incorporating a mid-morning snack in my diet between breakfast and lunch.

I decided to keep packages of granola bars with me at work since A.) They're easy to eat while you type B.) They're relatively cheap and C.) 99% of granola bars on the market today have chocolate in them. I purchased a box of Kellog's Dark Chocolate Protein and Fiber bars and lemme tell ya, they are super duper yum-o! I was actually starting to look forward to 10:30 every morning because my brain was like, "WE GET CHOCOLATE SOON!"

I've been eating those bars every day for a week now, and I suspiciously started to notice that my stomach was in severe pain every afternoon for a week now, too. It was getting so bad that I would have to come home from work, put on elastic-waist pants, and lay in bed for an hour. Working out has been a chore these past few days and when I started my fartlek run yesterday, I was almost in tears because I didn't know if I could make it though the workout without vomiting or messing my pants. My stomach was bloated and I felt like a complete train wreck.

I told Clayton about my problem and he totally filled in the blanks for me: "I had to stop eating certain cereals because anything with extra fiber makes me feel sick," he said matter-of-factly.

Ah, fiber.

Apparently my body processes fiber like a clogged shower drain.

I looked at the box they came in and one granola bar contains 4g of fiber, about 16% of your daily recommendation. Well, apparently that's about 16% too much for one Mrs. Courtney P..

And I'm so stupid that I was looking at the nutritional information about the granola bars WHILE I was eating one yesterday. "Holy crap! I've got to stop eating these!" I said around a mouth full of toxic fiber disguised as delicious dark chocolate. "Tomorrow. I'll stop tomorrow."

Less than 2 hours later, I was resting my head on my desk, willing my stomach not to push the button right off my pants.

I emailed Clayton and said, "Batten down the hatches, it looks like we're in for another gassy night."

Clayton: "Can't wait."

Me: "Let's be sure to cuddle."

Clayton: "The only cuddling you're going to be doing is outside on the patio by yourself."

He loves me.

*****

 
I don't know why I took an extremely long route to simply tell  you that fiber makes my stomach sad. I think this is my awkward way of being brutally honest and letting you know that I am not as healthy as I would like readers of this blog to believe. I've beat-around-the-bush and dropped hints that I was going through some stuff, and I've been pretty open with the fact that I have suffered from disordered eating in the past. Well, I still do. Those feelings and desires never really go away. As I've written before in a previous post, that behavior is always going to be inside of me, lurking in the shadows and waiting patiently for another chance to pounce and devour. For me, losing 23 pounds reopened the flood gates of bad thinking and I had to ask for help over the summer.

If it seems like there is a preoccupation with food and fitness on the blog, it's because there is. And honestly, reading other blogs with daily pictures of the super healthy food they ate and the workouts they did only adds fuel to the fire. By the grace of God I no longer have the willpower to starve myself (with the amount of running I do, my body simply will not allow it), but I do live with anxiety every single day. It's the anxiety that comes with missing or rearranging a workout or when I eat something that doesn't fall on my "safe food" list.

If it seems like the problem I'm struggling with is selfish and vain, it's because it is. And it's doubly selfish in that it not only consumes me, but it affects my relationships with other people (i.e. my husband). But trust me, if I could snap my fingers and just make it all go away, I would have done that ... about 12 years ago. (Oh my gosh, I AM SO OLD.)

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4 comments

  1. I don't think that being self-deprecating about the fact that you have/have had an eating disorder is any better. It's like, instead of punishing yourself or eating too much or not eating enough or working out too much/little, you're punishing yourself for wanting to do those things, or talking about them or whatever. I guess when you get in the habit of punishing yourself for something, whatever it may be, and then you try to stop that, the natural occurrence is that you're going to find something else to punish yourself for to take the place of the other punishment. It's like an addiction. Maybe you should start with punishment modification instead of the behavior. Just a thought. :))))

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    1. I don't think I'm being self-depreciating about my problem so much as I am drawing attention to the fact that the initial instincts that lead to anorexia and bulimia are wrapped up in very selfish, vain intentions (fear of getting fat, staying skinny). But eating disordered behavior is just a symptom of a larger, much deeper problem that I'm starting to understanding. My anxious personality and troubled childhood/adolescent were the perfect breeding ground for this disorder and while the cause of these problems is legitimate, I am embarassed that it's choosing to show itself in a vain way (i.e. extremes to stay thin).

      Does that make sense?

      And yes, I am very self-depreciating by nature, so I guess it's only natural that I look at a lot of my problems as stupid (i.e. I apologize for everything I feel and think). It was brought to my attention over the summer that I am very hard on myself, to the point of self-loathing ... so I totally understand what you're saying. That is something that HAS to change first or else I will never be healthy and happy.

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    2. I feel like my comment came out way more harshly than it was intended. :-/ I totally understand what you mean though. I'm the same way and it's a hard habit to break once its formed. Especially when it was formed from a troubled past. I'll make sure to keep you in mah prayers because we all want you healthy AND happy! <3

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  2. Thank you so much for this honest post.There are too few of these in the blog world! (this is julia who commented on gretchen's site)

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