Major fashion faux pas

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

When you consider that my absolute favorite article of clothing is a gray v-neck t-shirt from Target, no one should ever look to me for fashion advice. I'm not a trendy dresser, I know I'm not. I have maybe 3 or 4 pieces in my wardrobe that are moderately trendy, but 99% of the time I'm completely clueless when it comes to dressing myself. My staples are solid colored shirts and scarves. At 26 years of age, I've yet to come to terms with how my body is shaped and what actually looks good on me. I try (Oh, Lord knows I try), but for every decent outfit I successfully put together, there are at least 100 others that fall completely flat. That's why I am forever thankful for my generation's "anything goes" attitude towards fashion.

I don't dress in a lot of current trends for 2 reasons:

1.) Most current trends are stupid. I'm sorry, but florescent lace leggings? Send that look back to the 80s before you hurt yourself. And cropped tops? I don't care how cute you think your belly is, no one wants to see it.

2.) Most current trends make me look like an s$$hole. Just because I like a specific style doesn't mean I have any business wearing it.

Case in point: colored jeans.

I wanted to hate this trend, I really did. When I recently walked into a department store and saw rack after rack of brightly colored skinny jeans, my eyes immediately rejected what they were seeing and I started to feel the beginnings of a stroke. I suddenly felt sorrier for society than usual and wanted to know if there was some kind of fashion relief fund I could donate $5 to. Don't get me wrong, I adore skinny jeans. I don't even care that they are the most unflattering cut of pants for someone with legs like mine; there's just something about a pair of skinny jeans with boots that makes me feel like a rock star. But wearing tight-fitting pants the same color as a bag of Skittles is a whole new level of wrong. Pastel pink skinny jeans would direct attention to my thunder thighs like an air traffic controller.

So I took a big, fat PASS on that fashion statement.

However, summer is coming to an end and the kiddos heading back to school which means clothing stores are starting to spit out sneak peeks of their fall lines. Now colored jeans are becoming somewhat less obnoxiously cheery and morphing into more muted, earthy tones for the autumn season. 



(Both of these styles are from OldNavy.com)

Well crap, I actually like that.

So that's what brought me to good ol' Wal-mart yesterday and led me straight to a rack of L.E.I. colored jeggings. If I'm on the fence with something, there's no sense in spending an astronomical amount of money. I'm willing to try anything if the investment is only $14.00.

How could this possibly go wrong?!

I came home with a pair of red of jeggings (why I chose red, I have no idea. I think I hate myself or something.) and excitedly got to work wrestling them onto my body while visions of all the cute tops I could match with them danced obliviously in my head. (Did I mention that jeggings are completely unforgiving on anyone weighing more than 90 pounds?)

The result?

It's too gruesome to share with you. I love and respect my readers far too much to risk permanently damaging your vision. Once you've seen me in a pair of red jeggings, it cannot be unseen.



I couldn't rip these off of my body fast enough. In fact, as I went darting upstairs to put on a pair of glorious, baggy blue jeans, I felt about 4 inches of butt crack expose itself with every step I took because I momentarily forgot these pants were designed for 11 year-old girls. Joey has never looked at me with such contempt.

When it comes to America, I refuse to be a part of the problem. I want to be part of the solution. I am returning these jeans STAT!

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3 comments

  1. OMG I haven't even read this yet! I just went for the photos and OMG I LOLed! Maybe you should have tried a different color?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Now I feel awkward about my salmon jeggings....

    But dude- I only wear them on days I'm feeling confident.

    Also, I think you could of pulled those off.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I feel somewhat violated knowing those were in my house without my prior approval...

    ReplyDelete

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