More Courtney Confessions (a lot of them)
- Clay's and my plans to have children haven't developed much further than we're pretty sure we'll have kids at some point in our lives. I've never felt a longing or severe maternal need to be a mother, so I'm not in a hurry to change my life that drastically. To be completely honest, I adore the life that Clayton and I have together and I selfishly love having his undivided attention. I'm hoping that time will change my desire for motherhood and as I get older, I am actually starting to feel my "I just can't picture myself with kids" mentality slowly chipping away. Am I getting ready toss my birth control in the trash? Hardly. But the more I read mommy blogs for work, the less anxiety I feel at the idea. Being around my best friend's baby always warms my heart, but the second I'm around a toddler I start thinking that Clayton should get a vasectomy. I'm hoping that feeling will change, too. Lord willing, Clay and I will start seriously considering the idea of expanding our family when we get into our early 30s. But one thing I do know for absolute certain, I absolutely do not want to know the sex of our baby until delivery. I love the suspense of not knowing and I can't imagine a more wonderful surprise for us as new parents.
- I'm famous.
I know I've told you that before, but this time it's actually closer to being true.
Someone I follow on Twitter sent out a tweet today saying that she just learned Kurt Vonnegut's brother's name is Norb. I responded to her tweet and said:"Norb reminds me of Norbert, which reminds me of The Angry Beavers on Nickelodeon. So to me, Kurt Vonnegut's brother is a beaver."
AND retweeted my tweet about him being a beaver.
AND posted the tweet on his Facebook page.
It's only a matter of time before that big book deal comes rolling in ...
- I ran 5 miles last night after a hair appointment, and even though it was 8:30 p.m. and the sun was setting, it was still hotter than the dickens! I ran without music because honestly, the idea of listening LMFAO pulsate into my ear holes did not sound pleasant. I was tired from sitting at the hair dresser for 2 hours, it was humid outside, and listening to music just didn't sound very motivating. I'm starting to really like running with nothing but the sounds of nature, but it makes me very aware of my breathing and running form. When my breathing becomes labored, I panic and start to think I'm having a heart attack. If I ran without music more frequently, I would be able to recognize that that's my body's natural rhythm.
But that wasn't the point of this particular confession. I actually ran much slower than usual. My level of motivation before a run greatly affects my overall performance, and my normal 8:30 min/mile pace dropped to an average pace of 9:10 min/mile. And for some reason, running slow embarrasses me. Those are the runs I never want to publish to my Facebook newsfeed or tweet about because I'm afraid people will think I'm a bad runner. Isn't that ridiculous? Nobody cares about my running times except me, but I still kill myself to maintain this facade that I'm a bada$$. Guess what? I'm not a bada$$. I run like garbage sometimes. A lot of the time, actually. The sooner I can just admit that to myself, the sooner I can move on and enjoy all of my runs. Fast or slow, a mile is still a mile.
- You all know how much I love to eat, so it makes sense that a good meal could make or break my day. Well, I had the yummiest lunch of my LIFE today. I had to work through my lunch break since I had a dentist appointment this afternoon, and of course I didn't wake up on time to pack a lunch, so right around noon I was climbing my cubicle walls with hunger. A co-worker reminded me that a sandwich company, Roly Poly, always comes to the break room on Thursdays to sells wraps and chips and delicious nom noms ... and they take debit! So after pushing a few unsuspecting employees out of my way as I ran to the break room, I picked out the Nut and Honey wrap and I'm pretty sure I have a new favorite sandwich (sorry, Jimmy Johns' Veggie sub!). The nut and honey wrap contains cream cheese (dairy, oops! Oh well, I was desperate), raisins, sunflower seeds, cashews, lettuce, baby spinach, plum tomatoes, carrots, avocado, sprouts, and honey mustard. It was like tasting food for the very first time. It's like all of the events in my life were leading up to the very moment I put that wrap in my mouth. Colors were suddenly brighter. I could do calculus. The TV show Lost actually made sense. It was like that nut and honey wrap unlocked a new section of my brain that had been previously shut off due to a lack of proper nutrients and eclectic food combinations.
- I came out of the bathroom the other night to find Joey and Clayton having a very intense conversation on the stairs. Apparently Joey didn't agree with whatever Clayton was saying, and it was so cute I couldn't help but take a picture of it:
- I started forcing myself to admit my goals and dreams out loud. That totally sounds silly, but I feel like keeping them bottled up inside is a subconscious form of sabotage. Why should I keep what I want for myself a secret? Am I ashamed of my dreams? Am I not serious about making them a reality? So what if other people know? I've done a lot of time pondering what I need to be happy, and what it is exactly that I want out of this earthly life. Being fulfilled on a spiritual and emotional level is a top priority for me, and after evaluating my values and ambitions, I finally have the courage to admit what I'm trying to achieve for myself.
Clay is going back to school to earn his degree in radiation therapy. Our goal is that once he completes school and finds a stable job, I won't have to work. Call me crazy if you want, but I don't want to work all of my life. And I don't even care if that sounds selfish because it's true! This chica was not built for the 9-5 office life, and my heart's greatest desire is to be a stay-at-home wife and one day, a stay-at-home mother. I'm very thankful that I have a husband who supports this desire and would like to see it become a reality. When I picture the perfect "career" for myself, that's it. I want to maintain my home, do the cooking, run the errands, volunteer, and write in my spare time. And, once my babies are pre-school age, I want to devote most of my free time to that volunteer work (and writing, duh!). I want to work for the United Way, or Habitat for Humanity, or the animal shelter, or a soup kitchen—something that will allow me to be a blessing to someone else in need without getting anything in return.
So that's what Clay and I are currently working towards. I know in the next few years I'll have to be the primary bread winner for awhile, but I believe if we both stay motivated and smart, we can make it happen!