Several weeks ago I wrote about the guy from TLC’s My Strange Addiction who makes love to his car. I heard about the upcoming show on the radio, but I never actually got a chance to watch the episode in its entirety. I only saw one scene through YouTube and felt pretty confident that the two minute clip of Nathanial admitting to his father that he sexually rubs against his car would satisfy me until the day I die, but then last night watched the actual episode … in its entirety.
There’s something about watching a grown man French kiss his car’s bumper that is wildly unsettling and it totally put me off the bowl of Fruit Loops I was eating at the time.
Later that night I watched a mini documentary on the same channel about two formerly obese people who had 360 degree body lifts and watching their actual surgical procedures didn’t make me nearly as squeamish as Nathanial did lying on the driveway underneath his car while he made out with it.
There was SO. MUCH. TONGUE.
WHY WAS THERE SO. MUCH. TONGUE!?
Nathanial’s roommate was concerned, and rightfully so. I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure engaging in a sexual relationship with your car is what social scientists would call “weird” and when you “have sex with your car”, you’re putting yourself at great risk for public ridicule. If you were in high school, it's totally the kind of thing that would get you stuffed into your locker or sent to the guidance counselor ... or locked away. At one point in the show, Nathanial himself expressed that he was fearful of people finding out and him losing his job as a result.
I almost spit out my Fruit Loops at that point.
Then why are you on TV talking about it, fool!? If you're humping your car on the sly, isn't that the kind of thing best kept behind closed doors? (or in your garage? Bwahahahaha! ... I kill me.)
So that leads me to the question, is his objectophilia even real? Or this guy just pulling the wool over our eyes to get his 15 minutes of super creepy fame? If you’re afraid of what people are going to think of you, why would you put it out there for God, me, and everyone to witness? I don’t doubt that maybe he looked at his car one day and was like, “That’s a mighty fine wax job”, but to have a full-blown sexual relationship with his car and then share it with the whole wide world? Meh, I’m not too sure. But if I’m wrong (and I’m secretly hoping I’m wrong) and his story is legitimately true, then God speed, sir. God speed. And you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be tuned in and ready for the episode when your car is taken to the junk yard and you log on to Autotrader.com looking for a new soul mate. (SWM looking for anything with a tail pipe and nice rims.)
But regardless, I totally wrote a joke about it.
What do you call a car with an STD?
Okay, so it’s not my best work, but let’s see you come up with something better.