Hoarder Judy and Hoarder Eileen

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Somewhere between the season finale of Jersey Shore and the premier of Real Housewives of Atlanta, I completely forgot about one of my favorite TV shows. Imagine my surprise as I was flipping through the channels last night and caught a brand new episode of Hoarders! The only thing better than a new episode of Hoarders is a new episode of Hoarders in HD. Spare doll parts and rat turds never looked so sharp!

Interested in an episode recap? Great because so am I!

First we meet Judy. Judy not only hoards stuff from thrift stores, Judy hoards money. And apparently she can’t find it now. “Oh, I’m looking for about $30,000 right now,” she says matter-of-factly, like it's totally common to have several thousand dollars misplaced in piles of stuffed animals and old food. Several years ago I found $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans and thought I struck it rich. $20 was a good chunk of change back then; I could have bought a tank of gas with that (whereas today I could probably only buy a burrito and a Mocha Latte). I can’t imagine just “misplacing” $30,000. If I were her, someone would have to tie a rope around my waist because I was diving into that pile of garbage and not coming out until I had all thirty thousand of those dollars in my grubby little hands.

Judy and her husband sold 32 acres of her family’s property for about $1 million dollars. In record time, Judy and hubby blew through most of that money by buying RVs (you need more than one?) and multiple toaster ovens (I like toasted bagels, so I can totally understand that rationale). Just a few short years later, they are down to their last $200,000 (which isn’t a small amount of money by any means) and $30,000 of that is lost in the abyss of junk in their living room.

Like most hoarders, Judy likes to buy crap from Goodwill because she really needs it. Judy is buying oodles of junk to replace the void left in her heart after several of her friends and loved ones were lost to cancer.

And true to the Hoarders formula, Judy eventually has a emotional breakthrough, complete with lots of crying and apologies for building such a huge fort of crap that her husband wasn’t able to get into their kitchen for the past 5 years … or her heart (*cue studio-audience "awwww!"*).

So the final consensus: It’s good that Judy and her family lost the million dollars. According to psychotherapist Dr. Chaubaud, losing the money encouraged the family to stop focusing on material posessions and to start focusing on their true treasure—each other.

That sounds like something a poor person would say.

And then we have Eileen.

Eileen blames her cluttered house on the fact that she wants to clean it up, but her husband and children won’t help her. She claims that she is expected to clean the home by herself, and she shouldn’t have to do that (I guess I can understand that argument). Her oldest son is threatening to remove his two younger brothers from the home if things don’t change, and Eileen defiantly believes that if the children were removed from the home, it would teach them a lesson. I’m not sure if I missed that whole conversation or what, but I've yet to see how taking the children from their home would teach them a lesson. If anything, she would be doing them a favor.

Eileen’s husband, Ron, is a firefighter which has to be the most ironic thing since Snookie wrote a best-selling novel because isn’t having a bunch of crap blocking everything in your house, um, a fire hazard? Not to mention everything Ron says makes that makes him sound like the most incompetent fireman on the planet: "You're supposed to take action, but you just don't wanna take action," he says whistfully, sitting in a chair and staring into a computer monitor that is almost completely blocked from view by boxes of stuff.

“This place is a death trap,” he later tells the hoarding expert. Really, Ron? Really? So doesn’t living in this “death trap” for years go against the firemen version of the Hippocratic oath? Isn’t it your duty to keep people safe, especially when the people in question are your family? Okay, so your wife is kind of scary and you’re a bit intimidated by her, I get that. But is she the one hulking her way up a ladder and rescuing little children from fires? I didn’t think so. Just spray her with a giant hose and get her in check so she can help you clean up this disaster area of a house.

So what’s a hoarding family to do?

Why, it’s Dr. Zasio to the rescue!

Oh, how I’ve missed Dr. Zasio and her crazy spider-lashes. (I saw a tweet the other day that said "Dr. Zasio hoards mascara on her eye lashes" and found my new best friend.)

Most flattering picture ever!!!

Eileen is a huge control freak (surprise!) and even though she insisted that she shouldn’t have to be the one to clean up her house, she’s demanding that she make all decisions when it comes to deciding what to toss and what to keep. After many episodes of screaming at her children and husband for throwing away something she still wanted, Dr. Zasio and her eyelashes call an intervention and help Eileen put her behavior into perspective. Eileen admits that she’s unable to relinquish control and doesn’t trust her husband to do anything on his own except drive a fire truck. Finally, Dr. Zasio encourages Eileen to let Ron be in charge of just one thing: electronics.

But Ron manages to screw that up, too, and Eileen goes batty when she finds out he’s trying to toss out a document shredder. “How do you know the shredder is old and needs to be trashed?” she asks angrily from across the yard.

Because it has mouse poop all over it,” Ron replies to his spouse who clearly needs to be wearing a bra.

In the understatement of the evening, Ron confesses that he believes his wife might have mental issues. (Clearly Ron is the smartest fireman on the pole!)

Needless to say, Eileen and her family didn’t get very far in the clean-up.

“I sure am frustrated. But you know what, it’s the illness,” the professional organizer finally declares (which everyone knows is television P.C. for “Screw this noise, I’m outta here!”)

Long story short, CPS is called in and Eileen and her hubby are currently under investigation. And surprise, surprise! Eileen is refusing to go to the therapy sessions offered to her and is probably still to this day counting her boxes and wishing she could get rid of her children to teach them a valuable lesson.

Her children are probably wishing that, too.

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1 comments

  1. I've seen alot hoarders on TV. Each one tends to disgust meer on their own way, but when it comes down to it, 90% really accept responsibility and seem to start down the road to recovery. Eileen, and her poor family however struck a serious chord with me. Husband Ron is a good man, and a loving father. His only problem is that he is attached to the woman he knew once upon a time. Not the terrible witch that has been endangering the lives of everyone in his family. Eileen, this is for you. Walk away from that family. You are a horrible cancer and if it were up to me, you would be locked up. Your son wishes he wasnt born. You are a bad person and you deserve to die in your hoard. Blame everyone else, shout and abuse your family all you want. The truth is you are the worst person in the world. You are human excrement. Take responsibility. even the hoarders with piles of feces are better than you. You don't deserve your family. Please, for the sake of your wonderful family, crawl into the pile you, (and no one else) built, and just die

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