Rules of the road

I'm not a bad driver, per say, but I am an impatient, road rage-filled driver. In fact, to help counteract some of my less than stellar outbursts behind the wheel, I've started listening to our local Christian music station while I drive. The music is soothing and it's rather difficult to shout obscenities at other drivers/pedestrians when Jesus is coming through your speakers.
... or so you'd think.

Shamefully, I lost my cool today and there's really no justification for it other than I'm grouchy and mean and have thoroughly reached my limit with other people's selfish shenanigans. Those are poor excuses, I know, but once the bear is out of her cave, it's hard to cram her back in without getting your arm bit off.

Every month when we have a departmental staff meeting, my boss likes to lavish us with amazing edible treats. During the heart of the summer months we were greeted with fresh strawberries, grapes, and apples. Now that the weather is changing from amazing to complete crap, my boss is starting to feed us more hearty, wintery food. Hence today's giant tray of hot, fresh-from-the-oven cinnamon rolls with individual tubs of icing for each of us (a woman after my own heart, no doubt). Needless to say, I stuffed myself silly and determined that my lunch break was a huge waste of time. So, I opted to spend my lunch hour wandering around the mall instead, which actually never ends up being fun because everything's too expensive or too weird-looking, and yet it all still ends up making me feel like my own wardrobe is a disaster and that I have the fashion sense of a sassy hobbit who is desperately in need of being nominated for What Not to Wear.

And no matter how quickly I try to make it to the mall and back, I always end up being about ten minutes late getting back to work, which means I need to stay ten minutes after five to make up the time. But today I was especially late because even though I had cinnamon bun dough seeping through my pores, I was wickedly thirsty and had to make a quick pit-stop at the only restaurant with a drive-thru by my office—Taco Bell. Once upon a time, maybe like 4 years ago, I went to this very same Taco Bell for a soda and got it free-of-charge from the gentleman behind the counter. Now consequently, every time I stop at said Taco Bell for a drink, I half-way expect to not have to pay for it because I'm ridiculous like that. So, I walked through the door today, said a quick prayer of thanks to God for placing another male employee at the counter, batted my eyelashes, and asked for a medium drink.

"That'll be $1.59," he said.


To add insult to injury, the soda lacked carbonation and tasted like seltzer water, but I was already in my car and it was too late to go back in for something else.

So now not only was I questioning my fashion choices and was late getting back to work, the drink I had to pay $1.59 for because clearly I'm ugly tasted like complete garbage. I took a left turn down a one-way street leading to my office and watched as a college girl talking on her cell phone took one look at me driving towards her, started jay-walking across the street anyway, and strutted right in front of my moving vehicle. I slammed on the breaks and waited for her to move out of my way because I was already super late getting back to work and had absolutely no time to file a police report and deal with a dead body. Clearly a self-entitled brat with no regard for personal safety or the law isn't that big of a deal to me, but given my already annoyed state of mind, I was fuming at her stupidity. She stared me down as she sauntered past the front of my car and despite my best intentions, I could not bite my tongue and ignore the unfortunate coincidence that my window was already rolled down.


Not my finest moment.

Definitely not.

So, to the girl on 8th street that I will probably never see again, I apologize for yelling at you. It's not your fault that your parents raised you to think you're a perfect princess and that traffic magically parts for you like Moses and the Red Sea. You are merely a victim of your upbringing and for that, I cannot fault you. I was having a frustrating hour and I should not have taken it out on you. I should have just kept my mouth shut and prayed for patience.You're probably not stupid. You're probably just ignorant of anything around you that doesn't involve bubble gum vodka, Lady Gaga, and your daddy's Visa. You'll probably never think of me as anything more than a peasant that got in your way, and that's okay with me because I can forever live with the satisfaction of knowing that I look both ways before I cross the street.

If only my Christian radio station had been playing Jesus Take the Wheel ...