P.M.S. really S.U.C.K.S.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Last night I laid in bed, unable to sleep, with a heating pad placed over my hips because I had horrible cramps that were threatening my life.  Normally, my special lady time isn't so rough, but for some reason my ovaries are angrier this month. Perhaps it's because I went to the baby fair on Sunday, and my ovaries are all huffy because they're sick of making eggs that go unfertilized.

Regardless, I got to thinking about how unfair PMS is. Sure, men are always saying that women will never know the pain of getting a swift, hard kick to the family jewels.  But women can always fire back that men will never know the pain of squeezing a cantaloupe through the eye of a needle.  Both have logical arguments.  There's a reason that women will never know what it's like to take a hard hit to the testicles because, if that were to happen, the entire rest of our day would be spent analyzing why you felt the need to kick me in the balls, how getting kicked in the balls made me feel emotionally, and whether or not I will ever be able to fully trust you again.  And there's a reason why men will never know what it's like to be in labor simply because, if that were to happen, civilization as we know would come to an end because men just would. not. do. it.

But I do think PMS is unfair.  As women, we are expected to be everything to everyone and to do it with dignity and grace.  We're expected to be super multitaskers that take care of our families, work, clean, cook, keep ourselves groomed and neat, be attentive listeners, be nurturing, be patient, be loving ... we aren't allotted sick days.  It doesn't matter that I'm suffering from gut-twisting cramps, that my emotions are flying up and down like a roller coaster, that a pair of jeans that fit perfectly fine a few days earlier can barely close around my waist, or the fact that the dog looked at me weird made me burst into tears. Women were designed to be charming and alluring despite that fact that we're popping Midol like candy and have a sudden break-out on our foreheads. Men think PMS is gross.  It is.  But we're women.  We're used to it. If a man started bleeding out of their most personal parts, they'd be running down the street like their hair was on fire.

If men got their periods, life would be dramatically different.  Our entire time-keeping system would change.  Months would be only 24 days long with a one week "break" in between where entire nations would shut down and everyone would be ordered to stay in their pajamas and lay on the couch for 7 days eating cookies.  The dictionary would change and words like "bloated" and "fat" would no longer be classified as just nouns or adjectives, but as actual, bona fied human emotions:

-Hi Bob.  How are you?  You seem kinda down today.
Yeah, I feel fat.
-Man, sorry to hear that.  I felt fat last week.  Why don't you take the afternoon off and go home and rest? The huge presentation can wait until you're better.

But all biology aside, the number one reason why men will never know what it's like to have PMS: They absolutely refuse to go to the store and buy tampons.

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3 comments

  1. You know, my doctor told me the FDA approved taking BC straight through without the placebo week. (For everyone with painful cramps, not just Endo.)

    Endometriosis aside, I haven't had a period in 5 months and it's AWESOME!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yeah, I've skipped the placebo week before, and it was nice not having a period for two months. However, that means I would have to buy the pill more frequently, and I honestly can't afford it!

    ReplyDelete

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