Hairballs

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Any kind of Martha Stewart-y, Susie Homemaker skills I have are completely negated by how absolutely disgusting I am. My feminine, domestic goddess characteristics are completely cancelled out by my neanderthal tendencies. Don't let my soft skin and nurturing nature fool you; I am a walking contradiction.

Case in point: Right now there are five dozen delicious chocolate cookies cooling on my stove in the kitchen while Clay and I are battling the shower drain in the bathroom, pulling out wads of my moldy hair and forgotten razor caps that managed to slip down the drain and out of sight.

I had to slink away from the project because the only thing stronger than my embarrassment over clogging the shower drain is my gag reflex. I excused myself from the bathroom and came out to type a blog entry in hopes it will calm my stomach and help me forget that my devoted husband is elbows deep in the drain, pulling out my hair balls.

Words you don't want to hear while your husband is pulling wads of your discarded body hair from the bowels of your bathtub: "Babe, come back in here now. You're NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT I JUST FOUND."

I took a rain check.

Cowering in the bathroom doorway, I asked him, "How on earth is this NOT making you sick?"

His response, "I'm a man."

Fair enough.

The longer we're  married, the more I'm starting to see that there is very little that this man won't do for me or our family. Sometimes I'm afraid that he's going finally start resenting me for deceiving him into thinking I'm a lovely creature, incapable of doing anything that could ever shatter that perfect illusion. He knew I wasn't the most delicate teapot in the china shop when we first met, but I think he's a little pissed that I led him to believe I had some sort of limit to how gross I can be. But now we're married, and now he's trapped.

Clay just asked me to come back into the bathroom. "Wanna see something gorgeous?" he called out. As I cautiously walked into the bathroom, he turned on the faucet and smiled while we watched the water go directly down the drain and not form a murky pool at the top like it had been for months.

"That's beautiful, Clay. Just beautiful." I said, giving him a hug.

He kissed me on the head and replied, "Okay, now get out of my way. I think I'm gonna puke."

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