A Christmas Mixer

Gosh, my last post hasn't been since before Thanksgiving. If I had any regular readers, they would be ticked! Whew! Glad I dodged that bullet.

Thanksgiving went off without a hitch. I spent my first Turkey Day with the my hubby's side of my family (Clay and I didn't spend holidays together until we were married, and this year was only our second Turkey Day spent in holy matrimony).  It was lovely, especially considering I don't particularly care for the holiday (personal reasons). They brought the food, I brought the alcoholism, and we all passed out in the living room watching football ... just like the founding fathers would have wanted.

Then Clay and I bailed around 9 so we could come back to our apartment and power nap before we took on the increasingly popular Black Friday shopping. I've had reservations about it in the past because I really don't do well in crowds, especially crowds of tired, coffee-fueled lunatics who will stand in line for two hours just to buy an iPod.  I've never been convinced that the sales were worth the effort, and I've continued to shy away from the event, electing to sleep in or make myself another turkey sandwich instead.

But, that was before I started looking at all the of the Black Friday ads. Consumer America loves me because all an advertiser has to do is stick a catalog in my mailbox with the word "SALE" stamped on it, and I'm already reaching for my purse. Oh, Kohl's is adding $10 Kohl's cash for every $50 I spend? Holy cheese balls! What time do they open?!

My career is advertising, I should know better. But maybe that's why I like advertising.  It works.

Regardless, I found some wickedly amazing deals in the Target ad as well as others that featured gifts I wanted to buy my family. I emailed everyone on my shopping list, asked them to pony-up their Christmas wishes, and headed out to shop at 3:30 a.m. on the Friday after Thanksgiving.

Now, I won't lie, Black Friday is created for selfish people, too. I couldn't NOT go to a mall where virtually everything was on sale and NOT buy MYSELF something (I think it's written somewhere in the Bible). Anyway, I'd been eyeing a Sunbeam standing mixer (adult me is soooo boring) in the Target ad and it was listed for, get this, only $25! I don't know if there are any Paula Deans or Rachael Rays in the reading audience (that would be really weird and incredibly unexpected), but a standing mixture is the holy grail of baking.  For my entire life I've been making lumpy cake batter and cookie dough flecked with flour balls because mixing anything by hand really, really blows.  I have zero patience and standing in my kitchen, hunched over bowl with a plastic whisk hurts my back and wastes my time. I need the time between ripping ingredients out of my cupboard and shoving cookie dough into my mouth (because that's really the only reason I wanted to bake cookies in the first place) to be lessened.  In this day and age, I need instant gratification and Sunbeam Standing Mixer 2353 is thy name.

I originally wanted one of those Kitchen-Aid standing mixtures with a hundred different attachments and that comes in as many colors are there are paint swatches at Home Depot. However, purchasing one of those babies will cost you a cool $299 at least (unless you buy it on black Friday. They were priced at $199 that day, but I have a husband who refuses to let me spend that much money on something when I'm just going to snarf the dough before it makes it to the oven). So, you can imagine the joyous celebration I had with myself when I saw a picture of the shiny, beautiful Sunbeam mixer in the coveted Black Friday catalog.

Then I saw the fine print in the item description: Limited quantities available.

This was war ...

At 4 a.m. on Black Friday I was waiting outside of our local Target, bouncing nervously on my heels and sipping my Starbucks coffee. I figured that my recent marathon training paired with a caffeine buzz would give me a competitive advantage over my fellow shoppers.  I was ready to rock.

When the doors to the store finally opened and people started filing in at an easy pace, I knew it was the moment of truth. I had to beat out these hundreds of other mixer hopefuls with whit and athletic cunning.  I had to be smarter, quicker, and better prepared.  As the line of people shifted closer to Target's front doors, my pace quickened. I started power-walking.  I started to gallop.  Then ...

... I plowed right into one of those giant concrete red balls sitting out in front of the entrance.  I smashed into it with my crotch.  I didn't see it. I  didn't notice that everyone else went around the ball and avoided making contact with their genitals.  Wind got knocked out of me by way of my private parts. 

But I didn't let it phase me. Amongst the snickering and pointing, I continued inside (now with a slight limp), hopeful that my little accident served as the perfect decoy to get me ahead of the line. I started making my way down the bright, florescent-lit aisles, frantically trying to memorize where the kitchen appliances were located. I heard a shopper directly behind me shout, "Where are those mixers at?", and I started to panic.  I full-on sprinted through Target, my purse swinging behind me. Finally, I went skidding into the appliance aisle, eyes scanning over the boxes and displays, looking for my future baking buddy.

And then I spotted it. My black standing mixer with the stainless-steel attached bowl.  I'm pretty sure a chorus of angels started singing, or Target was just switching on Christmas music, but either way, there was a brief moment of jubilation shared between me and God. I might have even fist-pumped; I can't remember.  I grabbed a mixer from the modest pile on the shelf and, I'm ashamed to say this, lifted it over my head and shouted, "I GOT ONE!" to a crowd of bewildered shoppers. No one cared. But it didn't matter.  I totally won at life.

The rest of the day was amazing. Clay and I shopped for hours, scoring great deals on Christmas presents for our loved ones. He got a toaster oven so I'd make him tuna melts. We ended our shopping day around 7:00 am where we celebrated with McDonald's breakfast and then slept for most of the day.

Tis' the season!


  1. This was great!!! Good recap and very funny! Almost makes me want to Black Friday shop ... Almost ....


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