I'm On a Boat!

Monday, July 19, 2010

^^ Quite literally, in fact.  I was on a boat this weekend, and the number of beers we drank was rivaled only by the number of times someone shouted "I'm on a boat!" from the top of our double-decker party boat.  Rainy or not, it was one of the best Sundays I've had in eons.

Our dear, dear friend proposed the boat rental idea to a group us a few weekends ago, and I was instantly on board (ha!).  As a teen, my sister and I spent many summers on the lake with my dad and his purple and aqua speed boat (gotta love the 90s).  Our afternoons were spent tubing and turning ridiculous shades of tan, and I even managed to get up on skis a few times.  Of all the things I lost when my relationship with my father crumbled, those days on lake with him are missed the most.  Every time I push on the gas to pass a car on the highway, I automatically think of the goofball way he'd yell "RAMMING SPEED!" (hilarious if you know how reserved he is) whenever he threw the boat throttle forward or sped up his pick-up truck. 

Gosh, where was?  Sorry, I took a detour ...
Anyway ...

YES! Boating was so much fun.  We had a mini grill, several coolers of drinks, and all the time in the world.  The rain held out to the very end, and even though it was overcast most of the day, many of us still managed to get sun burnt.  It was hot and the lake was refreshing, making our trips down the attached water slide just beyond words.  I was pretty smitten.

We were out on the lake for over 6 hours and not one person had to pee the whole time.  Can you believe that? :)

When we docked our boat at the end of the day back at the marina, several of the other boats rented out that day were making their way back in as well.  We were the first ones in, so we had to sit parked for awhile while we waited for the green light to exit the boat.  So, we couldn't help but notice the Maury Povich episode sailing in our direction.

Our party boat had 14 people on it.  This boat had to of had at least 25.  You know how I knew there were so many people on that boat? Because I could HEAR them coming. All 25 of them.  All 25 of them shouting and screaming at each other (except for one couple that was too busy furiously making out to notice that everyone on their particular boat hated each other's guts).  As soon as their boat got close to the dock, one guy jumped off and began walking to his car, ignoring the screams of the marina owners telling him not move from the boat until it had stopped completely. He turned around, screamed "F**K YOU! I'VE HAD IT!" to his shipmates, and carried on his way to the parking lot.  This triggered even more cursing and verbal abuse, and everyone on my boat (the non-dysfunctional boat) grew really quiet and tried to act like we didn't notice Bitch Fest 2010.  I was torn between wanting to hear what happened next and wanting to just get the heck out of there because I cannot STAND IT when people scream at each other, especially if they're wearing bikinis while doing it. 

I opted to just leave, but it took forever for my friend to get someone to help her check out, so my group was stuck standing on the dock in the midst of the redneck tornado blowing through.  Everyone in their group was pissed about something.  A guy and a girl walked right through the center of our group, the girl screaming (seriously, I cannot emphasize how loud she was yelling) "F**K YOU! SHUT THE F**K UP.  SHUT THE F**K UP! SHUT. THE. F**K. UP.  I AM GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE F**KING FACE."  I think I buried my head in Clayton's shirt at that point.  But, sooner or later, that same guy came walking back through our group, only this time he was sporting a bloody face.  I'm guessing he didn't shut the f**k up and she finally punched him in the f**king face.

I think one of the funniest things about the entire situation was that one of the chicks who had been bellowing her face off (who happened to be wearing a tiara for some stupid reason), put a big smile on her face and announced, "Okay, everyone, we're all going to meet at my house in a bit! Bye bye!"  I've never been so thankful for having drama-free friends in my entire life.

I seriously had to consult an online thesaurus because I ran out words for "screaming".  It was that intense.

In other news ...  Is there a dignified way to walk away from a stranger who's dog runs up to you and greets you instantly by going snout to crotch?

Why no, no there is not.

I went for a run this evening, and my distance marker stopped right behind a guy walking his pretty brown dog.  The dog couldn't very well continue on with his walk when there was a new person to sniff right behind him, so he kept pulling on his leash, begging his daddy to let him come say hi to me.  I decided to put the dog out of his misery (I'm not one to pass an opportunity to pet a dog), and approached him.

And that's when it happened: snout to crotch.

I wanted to pretend like it didn't happen and delicately tried to drag his nose away from my goodies, but when a 60 pound dog wants to sniff your area, there's really not much you can do to stop him.  So things got awkward for a second.  REALLY awkward.  What was I supposed to say? "Oh, sorry about my crotch."  I couldn't very well help it; it was really hot outside, and I just got finished exercising for pete's sake.  I don't doubt there wasn't a fragrant garden in my pants ... SO embarrassing.

So I apologized profusely, like it was somehow my fault that his dog was a giant perv.  Gosh forbid I make HIM feel awkward.. 


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