chub rub

Riddle me this:  How is it that whenever I go for a jog, I get chub rub on the BACKS of my thighs?  Please, explain this.

What is chub rub you may ask?  Well, according to, the world's most reliable source of information, chub rub is:

what fat girls experience when their inner-upper thighs rub together so much they get chaffed and rashes break out. It usually is accompanied by sweat and foul odors.

Okay, but let's get one thing straight, my chub rub is NOT accompanied by sweat and foul odors.  Just reading that made me all sorts of grossed out.  If foul thigh odor is a personal problem of yours? NEVER. WEAR. SHORTS. AGAIN. AND PROBABLY REFRAIN FROM BEING IN PUBLIC.

But yes, the chaffed thing totally applies to me. But on the back of my thighs? That's a kind of physics I'll never be able to understand. So what does this mean? Are my thighs so big and gross that they flap in the breeze and slap behind me when I propel myself forward? If this is the case, then I shall NEVER. WEAR. SHORTS. AGAIN. AND WILL PROBABLY REFRAIN FROM BEING IN PUBLIC.

Ugh. It's just been one of those days. One of those days when it seems like every woman on the planet has her shiz-nit together except for me. It's one of those days when it seems like every woman on the planet knows how to style her hair, dress her body, apply make-up, and be a dazzling, alluring member of the female race ... except for me.

Case in point?  Today was casual Friday and I
A.) was too lazy to even attempt to run a brush through my hair and ended up wearing an elastic headband that was pinching my brain because my head is so unfathomably big
B.) wore jeans that have a zipper that refuses to stay up
C.) wore a man's t-shirt ... with a hole in it.

I know it's my own fault for being too lazy and not taking the time, but seriously, do there have to be so many freakin' Miss America types running around this city? Other woman seem so flawless and it seems effortless for them. What they can pull off in ten minutes would take me at least an hour and a small army of curling irons and hair extensions. I wish I could pull off that, "Oh, I just rolled out of bed and my naturally thick hair was already in these perfect, tousled waves" look. Never gonna happen.

*sigh*  And seriously, having to use the term "chub rub" is NOT helping my case.

Miss America type: "Well, how about that? I just got finished running 3 miles and I didn't even break a sweat! And take a look at that? When I stand here with my legs together, there's a perfect space between my thighs. How funny is that?"

Me: "Boonowa tweepi!" (and other indistinguishable Jabba the Hut noises)