Stabby McStabberson

Monday, June 14, 2010

So my husband freakin’ STABBED me today ...

We just came off of a minor scare on Saturday night when Clayton took to hacking up a pineapple with a ridiculous Texas Chainsaw Massacre-esque butcher knife and got a little overzealous with his culinary chopping skills. While wielding the giant machete he apparently missed a chunk of pineapple … but not his finger. There was blood. Oh yes, lots of blood. I wasn’t there, but I know because he left the bloody towel in the sink. 

And of course, like a true man, he refuses to get a tetanus shot, despite my constant urging (read: nagging). Do I even have to bring up the entire hematoma incident, CLAYTON CHARLES? He insists that it’s fine, but I don’t think he’d find it so fine when he has gangrene floating around his body and his finger falls off in the middle of typing an email.

Anyway, back to the domestic violence at hand. Yeah, Clayton freakin’ stabbed me today. He met me at home for lunch today because we have a mutual hatred for Mondays and like to get together and whine about it. Eating lunch with Clay is a rare, delightful treat and I was quite excited to see him … until he freakin’ STABBED me.

In my old age of 24 I’ve stopped being able to do things for myself and must frequently rely on the assistance of others. I waved a Granny Smith apple in his general vicinity because I wanted him to cut it up for me into the neat little slices I’m so found of (plus, I nearly sliced my own finger off in the spring of 2008 when I got all spritely with a potato and had to get stitches. I still do not have feeling in the tip of my right pointer finger. Boo). After a little coaxing, he finally agreed and I decided to hover over him while he chopped up my apple. Well, Mr. Butterfingers must have had a ‘Nam flashback or something, because he suddenly spazzed out mid-chop, missed the apple entirely and FREAKIN’ STABBED ME IN THE ELBOW.

In. The. Elbow.

He started apologizing profusely and my number one concern was whether or not he cut a hole in my shirt (never mind my SKIN). Luckily, there was minimal damage to both body and fabric, but I’ve had a dull ache radiating from my elbow all afternoon. It happened so fast that none of us could tell where exactly the knife went in and at what angle, but I definitely feel a sting in the whole area. So this is just great, Clay, just great.

Now I’M going to have gangrene floating around my body and my elbow is going to fall off in the middle of typing an email.

Thanks a lot.

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