Snack time

Friday, May 28, 2010

If I could ask the world just one question, I think that question would be

“WHY CAN’T YOU CHEW WITH YOUR FREAKIN’ MOUTHS CLOSED???”

Holy Moses on a pogo stick! I am floored by the number of people I’ve encountered in my lifetime who think it’s socially acceptable to chew their food like cud. It boggles my mind that people can chow down on various crunchy foods in the confines of a small office building and not stop for even a second to consider, “Hmmm, even though I’m enjoying this delicious treat, my fellow co-workers may not find my symphony of crunches and munches pleasurable. Perhaps I should opt for a quieter snack like mashed potatoes?”

I’ve reached my absolute limit. I can’t take it anymore. Worst of all, I can’t actually do anything about it. Since screaming and swearing at people is greatly frowned upon, I have no choice but to settle on writing about how much it PISSES ME OFF AND HOW BADLY I WANT TO BEAT THAT PERSON’S HEAD ON THEIR DESK UNTIL LITTLE DORITO CRUMBS COME SHOOTING OUT OF THEIR MOUTH.

Anger issues? Me? No way.

I wish to punch the face of the person who thought of putting chips in office vending machines.

But even if I could somehow prevent the vending machine distribution of Frito-Lays nation-wide (and believe me, I would), I cannot stop said employee from running out to the local Wal-Mart on their break and coming back to their desk with an entire, 49.6 oz bag of Doritos. Not the fun size bag, but the FAMILY SIZE bag.

*I had to take a brief detour while googling the actual weight of a Doritos bag (because I am alllllll about journalistic accuracy). When I started typing, Google thought I was actually searching for “how big is a blue whale”. Then I was like, “Oh, how big IS a blue whale?” and got side-tracked.

FYI: Blue whales can reach up to 108 feet in length and weight over 180 metric tons.

It’s bad enough we have to smell what everyone brings in for lunch (it always smells like Asian food, but I have yet to see anything stir fry or rice related), but Nacho Cheese Doritos are the very LAST thing I wish to be smelling at 9:00 a.m..

Once I brought hard boiled egg whites in for breakfast (lots of protein), but immediately panicked when I had to toss away the shells in the trash can by my desk. I nearly had a full-blown anxiety attack because I was nervous that someone would smell the egginess emitting out of the waste basket and get mad at me. God forbid I eat. So I covered the eggs in several paper towels, wrapped up the plastic liner, and took it to the bathroom garbage can. Why? Because I am that courteous to my fellow man.

Unfortunately my example has rubbed off on no one being as Doritos are a daily fixture in my workplace and another employee nearby has gotten into the habit of clipping their nails at their desk.

You read that right. Clipping. Nails. Not only is the noise annoying enough to induce stress-related ticks, it’s incredibly gross. Where are these nails going? They sure as heck better not be flying around the office and landing near my cup of hot green tea (which I sip ever so delicately so as not to be heard).

I don’t expect an office of silence. That’s just incredibly creepy and boring. We need a little noise to remind us that we’re still alive between the hours of 9 and 5, but such noises shouldn’t involve digestion or body parts.

Phones ringing? Keyboard typing? Fax machines whirring? Talking and laughing? Absolutely. Bring it on.

Lip smacking? Gurgling? Mouth breathing? Personal grooming? Absolutely not.

I think if things get escalated enough, I may have to resort to desperate measures. I’ll come to work with lobster claws, a nut cracker, and a can of chew tobacco. Then, after I get finished eating and spitting, I’m going to sit at my desk and fart all day while I pluck my eyebrows.


This question is so positively brilliant I can't believe I didn't come up with it myself:

You Might Also Like

1 comments

  1. OMG I totally understand this! The smells are the problem in my office building. There is a girl who makes popcorn nearly every single day and she still has yet to figure out how it's done without burning it. Sick Sick Sick! And we have at least TWO nail clippers too.

    ReplyDelete

Navigation-Menus (Do Not Edit Here!)