Hair today, gone tomorrow

Friday, February 05, 2010

Have I ever told you how much I dislike my hair?

Well, if I haven’t, I’m going to.

I have very fine hair, but my mom tells me I have a lot of it (I don’t know if you picked up on this yet, but I tend to take anything my mom says to me as 100%, irrefutable fact). Consequently, I’ve done a lot of reading about fine hair and professionals say there is a misconception about what this type of hair really is.

Fine doesn’t just simply mean a lack of hair (although I think there’s a general consensus that fine hair does mean you’re SOL). A lack of hair would be called “thinning” hair.

There are actually two types of fine hair and the best way to explain it is with an anecdote I read in between sobs on some website listed in the bowels of Google’s search results for “why does God hate me and my crappy hair?”

Think of fine hair like a forest of skinny trees. Some forests have a very dense amount of trees covering the land and some forests have a sparse, wide-spread amount. My forest happens to have a very dense amount of foliage. However, MY skinny trees are all mangled from years of birds nesting and they don’t quite grow properly because fat kids like to climb them.

*sigh*

I can’t remember the last time I had a good hair day. I can’t remember the last time I had a decent hair day. I can’t remember the last time I even had a tolerable hair day. My nearest recollection was probably the hair style I had on my wedding day. That style turned out rather pretty … after the initial cowering in fear from the salon manager who basically tore up the picture I brought in and ate it bellowing, “ME NO LIKE PICTURES. ME DO HAIR MY WAY. ROARRRRRR!!!” (But that’s a story for a later day)

All of my desperate attempts to “tame” my forest mostly end up with my heading to work 15 minutes late with my hair up in a stiff, hairspray-soaked pony tail and a stormy scowl on my face.

Yes, I can let a bad hair day ruin my day. I don’t require much of it - just grow out about 6 more inches, increase in thickness by about 1 inch, and always remain in perfect, flowing beach waves. That’s not so much to ask, right?

Oh yeah … and sprout perfect honey-colored highlights on demand.

For some reason God saw fit for me to have flat, boring, lifeless hair that will hold a curl for about one nano second before it unravels itself and looks sad again.

I can’t even perfect the straight hair look. My freshly washed and blown dry locks look absolutely heinous. It has to have some sort of curling or hot roller intervention. Flattening irons just make my already pin-straight hair FLATTER. Not sleek and shiny … just flat as a pancake plastered to my face that reminds me of how I used to wear my hair in 6th grade when I was going through that whole “oily” stage. *shudder*

I’ve tried teasing it Texas-beauty-queen style, but that’s a fruitless labor. While it does add some ratty volume where I need it, I can literally hear my hair breaking and ripping while I do it. The permanent bald spot is not worth the 2 hours of pretending I have nice hair.

Speaking of bald spots, does anyone else out there have a massive part on the crown of their head? I think the proper term is “cowlick” but let’s just call the problem what it really is – a big glaring white line of skin that screams, “My hair is parting like the Red Sea!” Not to mention, the term cowlick just sounds disgusting. It sounds like a cow wandered up behind me and licked my head, but got my hair all wrapped around its tongue.

Apparently it has something to do with the natural direction your hair grows in, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s not cute (well, I think it’s cute on my husband. I like to trace his with my finger and call it his “hurricane”). The first time I noticed mine I had a major panic attack and was certain that this was the first step on my journey to wearing a wig. It’s extremely noticeable and no amount of fluffing or rearranging it will fully cover it without an entire bottle of hair spray and the off-chance there is zero breeze that day.

I know I need to just accept the cards I’ve been dealt and shut my mouth. I guess it would just be easier to deal with it if I at least had the pleasure of having thin hair all over my body like, I dunno, thin armpit hair that looked less noticeable if I forget to shave.

You Might Also Like

2 comments

  1. kidding by the way. I laughed out loud through most of this, but then again it's so true for me as well it's just depressing.

    ReplyDelete

Navigation-Menus (Do Not Edit Here!)